what to do when you cannot go to a best friends relatives funeral
What to say at a funeral
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Attending a funeral
Grief and bereavement expert Catherine Betley guides u.s. through the things y'all should and shouldn't say at a funeral and explains how to speak to someone who has experienced a significant loss without upsetting or offending them.
It is often difficult to know what to say to someone who has experienced a significant loss. We might detect ourselves wondering what we could say that might help the bereaved person, only also worrying that what we say could upset or offend them.
We can be left feeling powerless or inadequate because although we would love to help, sometimes our words of comfort do not seem plenty in the circumstances. The important thing to retrieve is that saying something is virtually ever better than maxim nothing, especially if what you say is well intended and meant sincerely.
What to say to someone before a funeral
Later on a death has occurred, it is important to acknowledge that loss when speaking with the bereaved person. We may experience awkward 'bringing information technology upward' before the funeral, simply remember, you are not reminding them of their grief. You lot are giving them permission to exist open up virtually their feelings with you, if they choose to practice so.
You may choose to ship a carte, which allows for a few well-called words, but a phone call or brief visit are frequently very much appreciated too.
Things to say at a funeral service
If you are attending a funeral service, it is appropriate to offer your sympathy to the family unit. If yous don't know them very well, a unproblematic 'I'm sorry for your loss' is fine, although information technology is frequently meliorate if you lot can say something most the person who has died, for example 'I'm so sorry that you've lost your Dad (his name), he was a lovely human and I know nosotros'll miss him very much.' Saying something personal that kindly remembers the person who has died and what they meant to y'all is usually appreciated.
Here are some examples of what to say at a funeral:
- I'thousand sorry for your loss
- He will be missed by anybody that knew him
- She was a lovely woman and will exist greatly missed
- You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers
- When you're ready, I'm hither for you
What to say to someone afterward a funeral
After a funeral, information technology is oft the kind words of condolement from the people who attended that the family remembers for a long time.
Sometimes nosotros are truly lost for words and cannot bring ourselves to say something personal because we fright that we may break downward or upset the bereaved person. When this happens, you may want to say something like 'I don't know what to say or how best to assist you, but I really wish I did'. This is often a very honest way of telling people how we feel and reassures the bereaved person that you actually care and volition be at that place for them.
Things you lot should non say at a funeral
At that place are, nevertheless, some things that should not be said at a funeral. It is appropriate to avoid platitudes such equally 'well, s/he had a good life' or 'they're in a better identify at present'. We want to attempt to recognise a bereaved person'due south grief, non to minimise or trivialise it. It may well be that the person who has died lived a long, happy and meaningful life, but to those left behind (for example a bereaved husband whose wife of l years has died), the length of the person's life could never have been long enough and the bear upon of the bereavement on them cannot and should not be minimised.
Even if you have suffered a similar loss, it is important non to say things similar 'I know how you experience'. The fact is, you don't. You can only know how you felt when yous were bereaved, yous should not presume that other people feel the same way. Past saying things like 'I know how yous feel', you shift the focus of attending from their feelings to yours. There may come a time when you can share helpful tips almost how you felt when someone died and what helped yous, but information technology is rarely the correct time to take these conversations at a funeral.
How to help someone who is grieving
The other thing that people often say at a funeral is 'if yous need anything, just let me know'. While this is usually well-meaning, information technology does identify the responsibility for asking for aid onto the bereaved person. If you want to help, exist specific in your offer. How exactly you tin help volition of form depend on the private.
Grief tin can be exhausting and the bereaved person may appreciate some relief from daily tasks e.g. cooking, childcare and shopping. You may like to offer to help them with paperwork, equally in that location tin can be a lot to sort through afterward a death and this can experience overwhelming.
Practical assist like this can exist a skilful way of demonstrating that you are there for them. Actions very often speak louder than words and when the funeral is over, and for a long time later, bereaved people may demand and appreciate both practical assistance and emotional back up.
Contributed by Catherine Betley, Managing Manager of Professional Help Express & GriefChat®
Catherine has over xx years experience of managing counselling and therapy organisations, starting and developing new projects and ventures and delivering training and support to a huge range of organisations.
She has worked in business concern and across the voluntary and community sector at local, regional and national levels, including a serving as Manager of Services for Cruse Bereavement Care, the world'southward largest bereavement charity.
Catherine is currently Managing Managing director ofProfessional Help Limited, which delivers confidential and impartial back up and counselling including employee support, critical incident response and bereavement counselling. In 2017, Catherine prepareGriefChat®which enables bereaved people to chat instantly online to a qualified bereavement counsellor. GriefChat won the 'All-time Bereavement Support Website' category at the 2018 Practiced Funeral Awards.
GriefChat
Nosotros know that no-one can understand exactly what your loss feels like to yous. But we do understand that it'southward sometimes easier to talk to someone exterior of your friends and family well-nigh grief and the impact bereavement has on your life. This is why nosotros offer the GriefChat service.
GriefChat was created by bereavement experts and allows yous to chat direct to a specially trained bereavement counsellor. GriefChat counsellors are experienced in supporting bereaved people and volition listen to your story, explore how your grief is affecting you and assist you to find whatever boosted back up you might need.
Dignity provides free access to the GriefChat service. Yous tin utilise it between 9am and 9pm Monday to Friday by clicking on the conversation box at the bottom of this page .
Source: https://www.dignityfunerals.co.uk/advice/what-to-say-at-a-funeral/
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